Since when have I started loosing my temper at such an astounding rate? Not a lot but going by my standards… All of a sudden there’s a new me who’s just sick of being nice, working my ass off and allowing myself to be treated as a doormat. First time I realized this was when my pal Aman asked me why I was becoming so aggressive lately. Frankly speaking I was quite taken aback…I thought about it and realized that it was true. But then I like the new me – I like letting people know what I think, having an open two way (hopefully) dialogue. It’s a little confusing because I think I always did speak up for myself when I had to… I may live in my own sweet world most of the time but when the need arises I have always gotten up and held my own – or haven’t I? ayee…maybe I had not been paying sufficient attention…

But the question here is am I loosing my temper more often than I have the liberty too? No.. let’s rephrase that – it is a free world afterall. Why is it that I am loosing my temper o so often nowadays? Why do I feel like people are going to run all over me and thus I need to wear an armour, or keep a sword handy….there that sort of explains it – I’ve been feeling so much more free now – like I’ve shed my armour – and in place I keep my sword handy to lash it out at anybody I feel is going to hurt me….funny- in that case there are a few people I wish I had lashed out my sword at in the past... They got it easy as I hid underneath my armour all this while…

It's like life’s getting jaded. I was reading Anshumani’s blog yesterday and there was this one blog where he was reflecting upon how as a child he used to end up learning so many new things everyday, and as we get older there’s just so little value addition. I feel that everyday, sure I'm learning new things in college, but not about life, people, about things that make life so precious. In a way I've been trying to not learn anything more. I used to love people, still do to quite an extent. The idols I had, crumbled to dust quite a while ago…ayee.. I let people get to me now, I’ve stopped making allowances for people, I’ve allowed myself to wound people with my words…and more the blood this sword tastes, the more readily it leaves it's sheath for the next round of this battle. Ha! Battle… maybe I’m getting a little too dramatic here – life – battle….maybe…it's a long one for sure. Everyday battles…no wonder a walk on the street reminds me of how life tortures the souls of all of us alike…the little beggar girls who threaten me of ‘Shani’ on Saturdays (some superstition that apparently makes people give money to beggars on Saturdays) the old handicapped beggar on his wheelchair, who helped me stop an autorikshaw (I’m serious)… and then there are these little daily triumphs- my grandma climbing the step outside my building without any difficulty… should see the look of triumph on her face. Two weeks back I started taking her out for walks, initially she could barely walk for about 5 minutes, and had a terribly excruciating time with the ups and downs on the road (things I had never paid attention to before)…she’s getting all fit for her upcoming tour to Punjab with her daughter who’ll be coming from US in another few days…

I should start Tai Chi again, should never have stopped. Trouble is it's nice doing it in a nice quiet place…and there is none around. Will find a way round this too...

Was reading Paulo Coelho’s ‘The Pilgrimage’, I wonder if those exercises work? The one about walking real slow for about 20 minutes everyday makes a lot of sense, but what about the ones that are well a little tough to digest… I returned the book back, the old me would’ve tried out atleast a few of that stuff before returning it. I am listening to reason, becoming cynical, becoming like everyone else … aiyee… and so thus I grow?