Engulfed them all…not one, or two but thousands together- satisfied, or will you strike again to bring more of us down, down to our knees to beg you to stop trying to annihilate us all. You had to strike back, to remind us all of how exactly fragile we really are. For we have ignited your passion against us all, your wrath demands all of us to be washed out, annihilated, destroyed, until we become just another civilization that inhabited this third rock from the sun. So God you just sat and watched all of this? Or are we all the bereaved children who refuse to believe that you no longer are there for us. Or did you simply loose faith in us and move on…. you are the one who created the universe and all of us, or are you only the creator, who has moved on to create better versions of this world. Are we perhaps nothing but a rough draft for the perfect world?
Today I’m praying for all the people we’ve lost yesterday, I'm praying that the death toll will stop climbing, that the normal politics resumes the headlines of the newspapers. Today I mourn with the mothers who’ve lost their children, the wives who’ve lost their husbands, and the thousands on whom Mother Nature turned and who experienced her rage against our race. Today I’m wondering how many people’s faith in god wavered, as mine surely did, did they wake up and give thanks to him for being allowed to live, or did they spend all night raging against him, or did they finally realize that they’re banging on the door of a house whose owner moved away a long while ago?
Monday, December 27, 2004
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Been standing on quicksand for a while now
But no, not yet will I succumb to this muck
Unconscious of my ignorance
I'd convinced myself that I was a part of that clear bonnie blue sky.
Merely looking up, doesn’t make you a part of it.
Will you dare to struggle,
Or will you wait until you eventually sink?
Clad in pink, asleep on her mum’s lap
Peacefully ignorant of all she will face one day
Chasing the ultra blue colour winged butterfly
Singing along with the world…
To think we were all that naive once
Take me back into that world of dreams
And no, don’t call me back from there ever again…
Tuck me in just once more daddy
And close the blinds so I don’t see the monsters outside.
Blissful again
Enough maybe to even stop feeling…as I continue to sink.
But no, not yet will I succumb to this muck
Unconscious of my ignorance
I'd convinced myself that I was a part of that clear bonnie blue sky.
Merely looking up, doesn’t make you a part of it.
Will you dare to struggle,
Or will you wait until you eventually sink?
Clad in pink, asleep on her mum’s lap
Peacefully ignorant of all she will face one day
Chasing the ultra blue colour winged butterfly
Singing along with the world…
To think we were all that naive once
Take me back into that world of dreams
And no, don’t call me back from there ever again…
Tuck me in just once more daddy
And close the blinds so I don’t see the monsters outside.
Blissful again
Enough maybe to even stop feeling…as I continue to sink.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
“Mora sayian moh se bole naa…”- fuzon….the more I listen to this song the more I come to absolutely love it…. “bulla ki jaana mei kaun…” this one’s a new track – totally rules- I think it's gonna go down in my books as one of my all time favourites- who is this new sadu? Totally intense track… I so have to start using that kazaa I’d downloaded….I so need a cable connection….
No Saurabh I don’t like expressing my angst over my exams….experiencing it is bad enough- no point thinking about them when I don’t have to. Though I ought to be right now…bleah…all I can say is I'm horribly sleep deprived and for some vague reason am taking tomorrow’s exam very lightly…
It's insane how exams can so abruptly stop everything else in your life….been thinking what else is going on…. Not much at all…except that I got my hand on this totally cool dvd series called 24 –it's intense (I'm using that word ever so often nowadays) I'd recommend this series to everybody- if you can get your hands on it – you will remain it's slave for all times to come…or atleast for the next 24 hours, 24 hours series, each episode an hour…. By hook or by crook you all just gotta go see it!
This place is finally livening up – hi Srini, Heylady, Saurabh…. Welcome to my blogs : )
No Saurabh I don’t like expressing my angst over my exams….experiencing it is bad enough- no point thinking about them when I don’t have to. Though I ought to be right now…bleah…all I can say is I'm horribly sleep deprived and for some vague reason am taking tomorrow’s exam very lightly…
It's insane how exams can so abruptly stop everything else in your life….been thinking what else is going on…. Not much at all…except that I got my hand on this totally cool dvd series called 24 –it's intense (I'm using that word ever so often nowadays) I'd recommend this series to everybody- if you can get your hands on it – you will remain it's slave for all times to come…or atleast for the next 24 hours, 24 hours series, each episode an hour…. By hook or by crook you all just gotta go see it!
This place is finally livening up – hi Srini, Heylady, Saurabh…. Welcome to my blogs : )
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Incoherent Verses
Can only see a few metres ahead
Hands in my pockets, feeling the cold right through to my bones,
Misty eyed walking on the usual tar roads I hate.
Few moments of ecstasy
Etched in my mind forever
A little butterfly resting on your toe
Thankful to god for letting me still have you so close
Years of knowing you, until we finally met.
Perhaps it would’ve been better if we never had?
We yearned to talk to each other, our eyes gave everything away
If only we could think of saying something after the hi!
And then ofcourse you brought her along…
Holding my face in your hands, you almost had me there…
But you had to turn out to be a hooligan!
The whole city slept, while we kept each other company
I guess both of us being nocturnal animals wasn’t a reason enough
Thanks for waking me up
Looking up at the tallest one of the trees, I tell him my stories
As he gently nods his head
I wonder what it would be like to be able to stand at his height
If only I could also understand him
Playfully kicking a stone, whistling through the mist
Wondering what tomorrow will bring…
Hands in my pockets, feeling the cold right through to my bones,
Misty eyed walking on the usual tar roads I hate.
Few moments of ecstasy
Etched in my mind forever
A little butterfly resting on your toe
Thankful to god for letting me still have you so close
Years of knowing you, until we finally met.
Perhaps it would’ve been better if we never had?
We yearned to talk to each other, our eyes gave everything away
If only we could think of saying something after the hi!
And then ofcourse you brought her along…
Holding my face in your hands, you almost had me there…
But you had to turn out to be a hooligan!
The whole city slept, while we kept each other company
I guess both of us being nocturnal animals wasn’t a reason enough
Thanks for waking me up
Looking up at the tallest one of the trees, I tell him my stories
As he gently nods his head
I wonder what it would be like to be able to stand at his height
If only I could also understand him
Playfully kicking a stone, whistling through the mist
Wondering what tomorrow will bring…
Friday, November 26, 2004
Hello blog buddies! As of this minute I'm just sitting in front of my computer jigging to richie rich and feeling all very happy : ) happy shiny me. So I figured heyyy lets type something down! Spread the shininess!– is that a word – or did I just come with a new one for Mr. Webster?
I gotta admit most of the time I'm really happy it's because of some god damn reason I absolutely have no idea about! Though yes good music and good company to jig with me is the number one way of making me all cheery and chirpy! Swinging (yes, I am talking about the good ol swing we spent many happy hours on as kids) really hard and right when your’re at the top to look up at the sky – I love the whacked feeling you get when you’re on your way down. Hey everyone who loves music – check out nelly furtado’s remixes from her new album- they are absolutely great… right now good ‘ol richie rich is playin on my comp… : ) “ho kudiye aa jaana…” lol – punju remixes rule : )
There are two little pups in my colony – stray- but they got their mommy with them most of the time. They are soo adorable! Felt like taking one home but I figured their mommy might get angry – including mine if you think of it! I love the flick hum tum- is too cuet- bought the dvd home, was fun even watching it again. Most of the stuff it says is quite true – though I don’t agree with the one which says that girls and boys can never be just friends – atleast not by my experience. Though I absolutely love the part when rani wonders why guys always walk ahead of girls- lol – I swear it – me and my girlfriend are always left walking behind, as the guys go striding ahead of us….im sooo waiting for atleast one of them to fall… .lol!
This year Santa came home a whole month earlier! I must have been a really good girl 0: ) First my sister whom I had been missing o so much came home – with a whole lotta goodies. Then one of my mum’s favourite aunt came home – if you can picture goodness, joy and love with a shiny orange duappatta on her head, then you’re very close to actually seeing her in front of you. Then one of my favourite aunts came home – might I add- more goodies : ) after which my sister lands up with a truly awesome job…. : ) you know every time I'm in such a mood I'm reminded of a song I used to sing as a kid – “Count your blessings, name them one by one….and you will keep singing as the days go by!”
I had this blog in my head a few days ago..all vey high pitched and some shit that was screwing my head but I couldn’t sit and get it out of my system coz I had an exam the next day. I'm having exams for a whole month…with breaks of about a day or two, except for this break when I have 4 bloddyy days for an exam that requires studying for just about an evening! : ) I'm through with Paulo coelho’s eleven minutes- dunno how or why but I seem to land up reading his books o so often nowadays. One of the parts mentioned how all of us are way too addicted to pain, made a lotta sense –it's the easiest thing to get depressed or to inflict pain on yourself or escape from life and sit in the corner of your room wallowing in self pity, or in the middle of a crowd and realizing how insignificant you really are. Wounding yourself…pain…in pursuit of pleasure. We all do that don’t we? Silly stupid us.
Today I say go blast the music and dance with yourself and scream into the stillness of the night! Go have a vodka with ice cream, drive really fast with the windows completely down, go dye you hair pink and then come home and go tell mommy how much you love her! Lol – I’m thinking of a line in my pal priyanka’s poem- "...because I like what you teach in the light of the morn: That there are more colours than purple…." Will see you next time with a few more new shades on me…
I gotta admit most of the time I'm really happy it's because of some god damn reason I absolutely have no idea about! Though yes good music and good company to jig with me is the number one way of making me all cheery and chirpy! Swinging (yes, I am talking about the good ol swing we spent many happy hours on as kids) really hard and right when your’re at the top to look up at the sky – I love the whacked feeling you get when you’re on your way down. Hey everyone who loves music – check out nelly furtado’s remixes from her new album- they are absolutely great… right now good ‘ol richie rich is playin on my comp… : ) “ho kudiye aa jaana…” lol – punju remixes rule : )
There are two little pups in my colony – stray- but they got their mommy with them most of the time. They are soo adorable! Felt like taking one home but I figured their mommy might get angry – including mine if you think of it! I love the flick hum tum- is too cuet- bought the dvd home, was fun even watching it again. Most of the stuff it says is quite true – though I don’t agree with the one which says that girls and boys can never be just friends – atleast not by my experience. Though I absolutely love the part when rani wonders why guys always walk ahead of girls- lol – I swear it – me and my girlfriend are always left walking behind, as the guys go striding ahead of us….im sooo waiting for atleast one of them to fall… .lol!
This year Santa came home a whole month earlier! I must have been a really good girl 0: ) First my sister whom I had been missing o so much came home – with a whole lotta goodies. Then one of my mum’s favourite aunt came home – if you can picture goodness, joy and love with a shiny orange duappatta on her head, then you’re very close to actually seeing her in front of you. Then one of my favourite aunts came home – might I add- more goodies : ) after which my sister lands up with a truly awesome job…. : ) you know every time I'm in such a mood I'm reminded of a song I used to sing as a kid – “Count your blessings, name them one by one….and you will keep singing as the days go by!”
I had this blog in my head a few days ago..all vey high pitched and some shit that was screwing my head but I couldn’t sit and get it out of my system coz I had an exam the next day. I'm having exams for a whole month…with breaks of about a day or two, except for this break when I have 4 bloddyy days for an exam that requires studying for just about an evening! : ) I'm through with Paulo coelho’s eleven minutes- dunno how or why but I seem to land up reading his books o so often nowadays. One of the parts mentioned how all of us are way too addicted to pain, made a lotta sense –it's the easiest thing to get depressed or to inflict pain on yourself or escape from life and sit in the corner of your room wallowing in self pity, or in the middle of a crowd and realizing how insignificant you really are. Wounding yourself…pain…in pursuit of pleasure. We all do that don’t we? Silly stupid us.
Today I say go blast the music and dance with yourself and scream into the stillness of the night! Go have a vodka with ice cream, drive really fast with the windows completely down, go dye you hair pink and then come home and go tell mommy how much you love her! Lol – I’m thinking of a line in my pal priyanka’s poem- "...because I like what you teach in the light of the morn: That there are more colours than purple…." Will see you next time with a few more new shades on me…
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Tears that tasted of three years of sweat, toil and unceasing perseverance. Fear gnawing at the back of my head that all has been wasted. And why? Why did I allow it all to be wasted? Because I expect things that are just not possible. Things like a large enough area not too far from home to do Tai chi. Sounds simple enough? You have no idea…People got freaked when i tried to do it in the park, its just too wierd for most people. The only area at home large enough for me to practice tai chi is the main hall of my house. A hall surrounded by rooms and very noisy people! So wake up early in the morning right? Wrong, for dad wakes up at 4 in the morning and takes up the hall and does yoga, shav asana most of the time (the position where you basically go to sleep in) and leaves it only at about 9 am. So there are like 20 more hours in the day right? Aye…wrong again- college doesn’t give me much time. You’re not supposed to do tai chi on a full stomach so on my off days, after lunch when everyone leaves the hall alone and goes to sleep, I'm left wishing that I hadn’t eaten so much!
Aye…sounds silly? Hold on this gets better. So evenings before Ekta Kapoor’s gift to the Indian society in the form of saas bahu serials (plain crapped out silly shit loved by way too many people) I have about an hour when the house is almost quiet. Except my mom loves to talk, so irrespective of my numerous pleas to her to stop talking to me, to stop expecting me to respond she just goes on….
After about a year I was way too frustrated, decided it was high time to stop banging my head against this wall. Stopped tai chi. Figured I'll do it once in a month or two so I don’t forget and that’s that. Today I realized I was being stupid I could not allow myself to forget tai chi, hadn’t practiced it since 3 months or so. College is partly to blame, what with our classes going on from 9 to 6. But then it's way too simple to make a list of excuses. So today I told myself I will do tai chi, I won’t mind the people talking to me, and will actually respond in dire situations. I had to do tai chi!
Struggled…hard. Obviously I didn’t remember it but even when I read the steps listed on the paper I drew a blank. Went on trying. Someone came at the door, no one bothered to respond to it. I opened the door, somebody wanting to wish mum happy diwali. Meanwhile I kept trying with the steps in my room. My sister sitting at the computer. I repeat in my head step back and repulse monkey 1…2…3….slant flying…no…slant flying……..noooo…slant flying???
Got it after 5 minutes. Mum came in to tell us about the people who had just come in. I leave for the hall. Start trying again…step back and repulse monkey. Mum starts shouting – it's Diwali and look at this house- it's an absolute mess!! Robin (my sister) it's all your fault, look where you’ve put these DVD’s, whyzzz this table pushed back???ahhhhhhh
It's pushed back because I'm trying to do tai chi here. And we don’t celeberate diwali so stop pretending to!!!- yup that’s me finally venting my frustration out. Three years of hardwork!!!!! Mum’s reply- everyone works hard!!
Breathing hard, tears in my eyes, I felt I would explode. Tried to calm down…continued…raise hands and step up….
The movements came much easier this time, like I had someone guiding me…or probably because I so intensely desired to get them right. Finished it in a while, bowed, pushed the table back in place….
Aye…sounds silly? Hold on this gets better. So evenings before Ekta Kapoor’s gift to the Indian society in the form of saas bahu serials (plain crapped out silly shit loved by way too many people) I have about an hour when the house is almost quiet. Except my mom loves to talk, so irrespective of my numerous pleas to her to stop talking to me, to stop expecting me to respond she just goes on….
After about a year I was way too frustrated, decided it was high time to stop banging my head against this wall. Stopped tai chi. Figured I'll do it once in a month or two so I don’t forget and that’s that. Today I realized I was being stupid I could not allow myself to forget tai chi, hadn’t practiced it since 3 months or so. College is partly to blame, what with our classes going on from 9 to 6. But then it's way too simple to make a list of excuses. So today I told myself I will do tai chi, I won’t mind the people talking to me, and will actually respond in dire situations. I had to do tai chi!
Struggled…hard. Obviously I didn’t remember it but even when I read the steps listed on the paper I drew a blank. Went on trying. Someone came at the door, no one bothered to respond to it. I opened the door, somebody wanting to wish mum happy diwali. Meanwhile I kept trying with the steps in my room. My sister sitting at the computer. I repeat in my head step back and repulse monkey 1…2…3….slant flying…no…slant flying……..noooo…slant flying???
Got it after 5 minutes. Mum came in to tell us about the people who had just come in. I leave for the hall. Start trying again…step back and repulse monkey. Mum starts shouting – it's Diwali and look at this house- it's an absolute mess!! Robin (my sister) it's all your fault, look where you’ve put these DVD’s, whyzzz this table pushed back???ahhhhhhh
It's pushed back because I'm trying to do tai chi here. And we don’t celeberate diwali so stop pretending to!!!- yup that’s me finally venting my frustration out. Three years of hardwork!!!!! Mum’s reply- everyone works hard!!
Breathing hard, tears in my eyes, I felt I would explode. Tried to calm down…continued…raise hands and step up….
The movements came much easier this time, like I had someone guiding me…or probably because I so intensely desired to get them right. Finished it in a while, bowed, pushed the table back in place….
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Since when have I started loosing my temper at such an astounding rate? Not a lot but going by my standards… All of a sudden there’s a new me who’s just sick of being nice, working my ass off and allowing myself to be treated as a doormat. First time I realized this was when my pal Aman asked me why I was becoming so aggressive lately. Frankly speaking I was quite taken aback…I thought about it and realized that it was true. But then I like the new me – I like letting people know what I think, having an open two way (hopefully) dialogue. It’s a little confusing because I think I always did speak up for myself when I had to… I may live in my own sweet world most of the time but when the need arises I have always gotten up and held my own – or haven’t I? ayee…maybe I had not been paying sufficient attention…
But the question here is am I loosing my temper more often than I have the liberty too? No.. let’s rephrase that – it is a free world afterall. Why is it that I am loosing my temper o so often nowadays? Why do I feel like people are going to run all over me and thus I need to wear an armour, or keep a sword handy….there that sort of explains it – I’ve been feeling so much more free now – like I’ve shed my armour – and in place I keep my sword handy to lash it out at anybody I feel is going to hurt me….funny- in that case there are a few people I wish I had lashed out my sword at in the past... They got it easy as I hid underneath my armour all this while…
It's like life’s getting jaded. I was reading Anshumani’s blog yesterday and there was this one blog where he was reflecting upon how as a child he used to end up learning so many new things everyday, and as we get older there’s just so little value addition. I feel that everyday, sure I'm learning new things in college, but not about life, people, about things that make life so precious. In a way I've been trying to not learn anything more. I used to love people, still do to quite an extent. The idols I had, crumbled to dust quite a while ago…ayee.. I let people get to me now, I’ve stopped making allowances for people, I’ve allowed myself to wound people with my words…and more the blood this sword tastes, the more readily it leaves it's sheath for the next round of this battle. Ha! Battle… maybe I’m getting a little too dramatic here – life – battle….maybe…it's a long one for sure. Everyday battles…no wonder a walk on the street reminds me of how life tortures the souls of all of us alike…the little beggar girls who threaten me of ‘Shani’ on Saturdays (some superstition that apparently makes people give money to beggars on Saturdays) the old handicapped beggar on his wheelchair, who helped me stop an autorikshaw (I’m serious)… and then there are these little daily triumphs- my grandma climbing the step outside my building without any difficulty… should see the look of triumph on her face. Two weeks back I started taking her out for walks, initially she could barely walk for about 5 minutes, and had a terribly excruciating time with the ups and downs on the road (things I had never paid attention to before)…she’s getting all fit for her upcoming tour to Punjab with her daughter who’ll be coming from US in another few days…
I should start Tai Chi again, should never have stopped. Trouble is it's nice doing it in a nice quiet place…and there is none around. Will find a way round this too...
Was reading Paulo Coelho’s ‘The Pilgrimage’, I wonder if those exercises work? The one about walking real slow for about 20 minutes everyday makes a lot of sense, but what about the ones that are well a little tough to digest… I returned the book back, the old me would’ve tried out atleast a few of that stuff before returning it. I am listening to reason, becoming cynical, becoming like everyone else … aiyee… and so thus I grow?
But the question here is am I loosing my temper more often than I have the liberty too? No.. let’s rephrase that – it is a free world afterall. Why is it that I am loosing my temper o so often nowadays? Why do I feel like people are going to run all over me and thus I need to wear an armour, or keep a sword handy….there that sort of explains it – I’ve been feeling so much more free now – like I’ve shed my armour – and in place I keep my sword handy to lash it out at anybody I feel is going to hurt me….funny- in that case there are a few people I wish I had lashed out my sword at in the past... They got it easy as I hid underneath my armour all this while…
It's like life’s getting jaded. I was reading Anshumani’s blog yesterday and there was this one blog where he was reflecting upon how as a child he used to end up learning so many new things everyday, and as we get older there’s just so little value addition. I feel that everyday, sure I'm learning new things in college, but not about life, people, about things that make life so precious. In a way I've been trying to not learn anything more. I used to love people, still do to quite an extent. The idols I had, crumbled to dust quite a while ago…ayee.. I let people get to me now, I’ve stopped making allowances for people, I’ve allowed myself to wound people with my words…and more the blood this sword tastes, the more readily it leaves it's sheath for the next round of this battle. Ha! Battle… maybe I’m getting a little too dramatic here – life – battle….maybe…it's a long one for sure. Everyday battles…no wonder a walk on the street reminds me of how life tortures the souls of all of us alike…the little beggar girls who threaten me of ‘Shani’ on Saturdays (some superstition that apparently makes people give money to beggars on Saturdays) the old handicapped beggar on his wheelchair, who helped me stop an autorikshaw (I’m serious)… and then there are these little daily triumphs- my grandma climbing the step outside my building without any difficulty… should see the look of triumph on her face. Two weeks back I started taking her out for walks, initially she could barely walk for about 5 minutes, and had a terribly excruciating time with the ups and downs on the road (things I had never paid attention to before)…she’s getting all fit for her upcoming tour to Punjab with her daughter who’ll be coming from US in another few days…
I should start Tai Chi again, should never have stopped. Trouble is it's nice doing it in a nice quiet place…and there is none around. Will find a way round this too...
Was reading Paulo Coelho’s ‘The Pilgrimage’, I wonder if those exercises work? The one about walking real slow for about 20 minutes everyday makes a lot of sense, but what about the ones that are well a little tough to digest… I returned the book back, the old me would’ve tried out atleast a few of that stuff before returning it. I am listening to reason, becoming cynical, becoming like everyone else … aiyee… and so thus I grow?
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Shadows of Mine
Flexible thy form, depth thy beauty
A beauty unseen, elusive thine very existence
Grievances of the past, fright for failure of tomorrow
A mirror to our pain
Greater our sorrow, greater thine form
Every tear shed pushes you further into the dark alley
As though you had a purpose
Our sole companion for that walk
Extending thine arms to fold us into
Never to leave us alone
Walking one pace behind to guard all evil
Yet not forgetting all other ends
Contented, you slowly merge into me
For the night is over, and the sun is rising
Helping me face the light boldly
Joining me in the dance of merriment and happiness
But slowly the music shall fade
And we shall walk alone again
Walking with music in our hearts
The music of life that shall never fade.
A beauty unseen, elusive thine very existence
Grievances of the past, fright for failure of tomorrow
A mirror to our pain
Greater our sorrow, greater thine form
Every tear shed pushes you further into the dark alley
As though you had a purpose
Our sole companion for that walk
Extending thine arms to fold us into
Never to leave us alone
Walking one pace behind to guard all evil
Yet not forgetting all other ends
Contented, you slowly merge into me
For the night is over, and the sun is rising
Helping me face the light boldly
Joining me in the dance of merriment and happiness
But slowly the music shall fade
And we shall walk alone again
Walking with music in our hearts
The music of life that shall never fade.
I am an outcast from the entire ‘community’ system, not by choice but by default. To be more accurate, I don’t really have a community setup around me to be a part of it. I am not religious; hence I do not take part in any of the customs, which by default of birth everybody else does. Except in my case my parents figured all the mayhem around them was due to religions, or more accurately community clashes. Twenty years down the line, the situation remains the same and I understand their point of view, through their progenies they wanted to see a new breed come into existence wherein their only creed would be derived from love of the human race. Thus I don’t have a surname.
So I used to be in the North of India as a child, to be precise till I was about 9 years old. My dad being in a government service has to cope with transfers, and so I landed up leading the next 8 years in Chennai- down south. I lost contact with my relatives, I lost fluency with Punjabi (when I left the north I had still been in the stage where I was only picking up the language) and became an alien to my own family. I used to believe Nathanpur (my maternal grandparents home) to be my home, no matter where I went I always came back to it. It was a huge Haveli, sort of like a fortress, with innumerable number of rooms, many lavishly decorated, with servants all around, sort of like a palace almost. There was a water tank within it that functioned as a swimming pool for all of us,leading onto the servant quarters. Huge spaces, three families within. Winters would find everyone out on charpai’s (beds- made of ropes tied together, supported by a wooden frame) basking in the warmth of the sun. Two huge dogs. In the summers Darji (my grand father) would get swings tied up in the veranda’s, I would always go behind him asking for khati meethi goli’s (as i grew up i learnt these to be vitamins!) and he would always call me his Beeba Putar (beloved son – it's a habit of sardar’s to refer to their children using the male gender). This whole haveli was surrounded by sugarcane fields, all owned by my Darji. A ten minute walk through the fields took us to the orchard, that’s the point my mama used to always turn back from.
I went there twice during my Chennai stay. I could not go when Darji passed away, was having my boards exams if I remember correctly. Went back two years ago, I couldn’t even recognise it. The old mud road had been replaced by the regular roads characteristic of our towns and cities- tar, not too smooth, not too rough, tar. As far my sight could go, there were square shaped brick houses. Bricks and tar. No sugarcane fields, no orchards, no Darji. Family feuds, natural occurrence when rich brats, who’ve never had to really work, get a chance at getting more money. More walls. The brothers sold everything, the haveli remains. There’s a highway being built right next to it, people will be able to access Dehradun so much more easily now…they call it development- more tar in place of absolute heaven. I sat at the same window sill where I used to sit and watch the bullock carts roll by as mum and my Beeji (grandmom) chatted in the kitchen…only this time I had turned away my face from the family because they were expressing their happiness at having disposed off all of the fields. That’s when I realized that this place never was mine to have taken the liberty of considering this as my home. All because my mom had been a daughter and not a son in the family, wonder if the reverse would have made any difference.
I never belonged in Chennai. The contrast between the south and the north of India is tremendous, almost like two different countries. Came back, loved to hear people speak in Hindi, loved to hear the little boys with their dholkies (drums) come and play inside the busses, loved to finally understand the comments boys made when they were ‘line marofying’ – everything will change but the breed of road side Romeos will never perish!
We don’t celebrate any festival. All days are the same for us. Remember we’re not religious, and considering all festivals being a by-product of religions, there is no time of the year when we really celebrate. I came to north, looking for a home; only to realize that there was no such thing as home, no such community that I really belong to.
So here I am, my only religion being work. My dad worked right through the week, so that is all I know that one has to do in life. Nothing else really matters. And so I live my life.
Started writing this because today there was a kirtan being organised by my masi (mum’s sister) as it is Darji’s death anniversary today. I couldn’t go for it as at the last moment we were called in by the college for sessions to prepare us for the upcoming placements. I thought I would still make it in time, missed mama by like 15 minutes. Felt so terrible. I've just never been there for you Darji...don’t know Punjabi, cut my hair, sat and watched as the world you made was molested and torn away. Just the same, I hope you knew I always loved you; I always wanted to talk to you more, to know you better…
So I used to be in the North of India as a child, to be precise till I was about 9 years old. My dad being in a government service has to cope with transfers, and so I landed up leading the next 8 years in Chennai- down south. I lost contact with my relatives, I lost fluency with Punjabi (when I left the north I had still been in the stage where I was only picking up the language) and became an alien to my own family. I used to believe Nathanpur (my maternal grandparents home) to be my home, no matter where I went I always came back to it. It was a huge Haveli, sort of like a fortress, with innumerable number of rooms, many lavishly decorated, with servants all around, sort of like a palace almost. There was a water tank within it that functioned as a swimming pool for all of us,leading onto the servant quarters. Huge spaces, three families within. Winters would find everyone out on charpai’s (beds- made of ropes tied together, supported by a wooden frame) basking in the warmth of the sun. Two huge dogs. In the summers Darji (my grand father) would get swings tied up in the veranda’s, I would always go behind him asking for khati meethi goli’s (as i grew up i learnt these to be vitamins!) and he would always call me his Beeba Putar (beloved son – it's a habit of sardar’s to refer to their children using the male gender). This whole haveli was surrounded by sugarcane fields, all owned by my Darji. A ten minute walk through the fields took us to the orchard, that’s the point my mama used to always turn back from.
I went there twice during my Chennai stay. I could not go when Darji passed away, was having my boards exams if I remember correctly. Went back two years ago, I couldn’t even recognise it. The old mud road had been replaced by the regular roads characteristic of our towns and cities- tar, not too smooth, not too rough, tar. As far my sight could go, there were square shaped brick houses. Bricks and tar. No sugarcane fields, no orchards, no Darji. Family feuds, natural occurrence when rich brats, who’ve never had to really work, get a chance at getting more money. More walls. The brothers sold everything, the haveli remains. There’s a highway being built right next to it, people will be able to access Dehradun so much more easily now…they call it development- more tar in place of absolute heaven. I sat at the same window sill where I used to sit and watch the bullock carts roll by as mum and my Beeji (grandmom) chatted in the kitchen…only this time I had turned away my face from the family because they were expressing their happiness at having disposed off all of the fields. That’s when I realized that this place never was mine to have taken the liberty of considering this as my home. All because my mom had been a daughter and not a son in the family, wonder if the reverse would have made any difference.
I never belonged in Chennai. The contrast between the south and the north of India is tremendous, almost like two different countries. Came back, loved to hear people speak in Hindi, loved to hear the little boys with their dholkies (drums) come and play inside the busses, loved to finally understand the comments boys made when they were ‘line marofying’ – everything will change but the breed of road side Romeos will never perish!
We don’t celebrate any festival. All days are the same for us. Remember we’re not religious, and considering all festivals being a by-product of religions, there is no time of the year when we really celebrate. I came to north, looking for a home; only to realize that there was no such thing as home, no such community that I really belong to.
So here I am, my only religion being work. My dad worked right through the week, so that is all I know that one has to do in life. Nothing else really matters. And so I live my life.
Started writing this because today there was a kirtan being organised by my masi (mum’s sister) as it is Darji’s death anniversary today. I couldn’t go for it as at the last moment we were called in by the college for sessions to prepare us for the upcoming placements. I thought I would still make it in time, missed mama by like 15 minutes. Felt so terrible. I've just never been there for you Darji...don’t know Punjabi, cut my hair, sat and watched as the world you made was molested and torn away. Just the same, I hope you knew I always loved you; I always wanted to talk to you more, to know you better…
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
So forgive me as I don’t know how to play this game, I don’t know its rules, n I'm through getting bruised… I'm not the only fish in this pond anyways, eh? Why don’t you go play while I make up my own little games in my warped little head. Call me cold or be nicer and call me queer. Come say hi and talk to me, but don’t make your moves, and take me to be retard if I pick up the cards when I'm expected to roll the dice. No, and don’t play the same game at the same time with me and my best friend- it's absolutely outrageous, or maybe I've understood the rules all wrong again?
Just when I made up my mind that it's ok to be me, who’re you to come from nowhere and instruct me to grow up. No I will not be a grown up – if that word implies that I will have to smile when you crack a stupid joke, and not when the wind blows on my face. And how many of you will keep coming to scrutinize me, judge me, and then turn away when you find a prettier version of my sex pass by you.
So no I will not play. So please I beg you and all the other fellas who damn well will keep following to leave me alone, and not make me feel like a nincompoop. I have no respect for these games, so anyone who does really want to know me, then go ahead and find out and not rely on tried and trusted methods. Though if you’ll follow my advice, then it really is best to allow me to live in my world, and just let me be.
Just when I made up my mind that it's ok to be me, who’re you to come from nowhere and instruct me to grow up. No I will not be a grown up – if that word implies that I will have to smile when you crack a stupid joke, and not when the wind blows on my face. And how many of you will keep coming to scrutinize me, judge me, and then turn away when you find a prettier version of my sex pass by you.
So no I will not play. So please I beg you and all the other fellas who damn well will keep following to leave me alone, and not make me feel like a nincompoop. I have no respect for these games, so anyone who does really want to know me, then go ahead and find out and not rely on tried and trusted methods. Though if you’ll follow my advice, then it really is best to allow me to live in my world, and just let me be.
Why can’t I just move on?
Why don’t I just stop thinking about you?
Or caring for you.
Why does the smile peeping out at me tell me a story,
But the same bent head, tell me another completely different tale?
And why O why do I not stop wishing that you’d stay and talk for a while
Could you really never tell that I was falling…falling real deep
Why do I care so I much
Why does my day start by looking out for you,
And end completely dependant on the mood you carried with you, as you perhaps decided to stop and say hi.
Did I really never mean anything at all?
If I hadn’t called you all that time, would you have called?
Or maybe have given me at least a missed call?
Or did you tolerate me for hours just because you’re a flirt- as the world incessantly continues to point out to me
Or perhaps you did like me, just a bit?
Do you ever stop and remember a girl who unwittingly began to adore you
Who listened to her friends for the very first time
And allowed herself to Fall.
Why don’t I just stop thinking about you?
Or caring for you.
Why does the smile peeping out at me tell me a story,
But the same bent head, tell me another completely different tale?
And why O why do I not stop wishing that you’d stay and talk for a while
Could you really never tell that I was falling…falling real deep
Why do I care so I much
Why does my day start by looking out for you,
And end completely dependant on the mood you carried with you, as you perhaps decided to stop and say hi.
Did I really never mean anything at all?
If I hadn’t called you all that time, would you have called?
Or maybe have given me at least a missed call?
Or did you tolerate me for hours just because you’re a flirt- as the world incessantly continues to point out to me
Or perhaps you did like me, just a bit?
Do you ever stop and remember a girl who unwittingly began to adore you
Who listened to her friends for the very first time
And allowed herself to Fall.
Since i am in the mood for poetry, here's one i wrote a long time ago...found it while i was looking through my good 'ol diary this evening
Let them fall
Its alright to be weak my heart cried
A bond so strong
Couldn't be broken by a few miles
Friendships like ours,
Never flicker away like the shadows of our past
If only, i could fight the phantoms of today with you.
As distance begins to seperate us,
My heart screams out to turn around.
Tears falling into the wind,
I feel the passion of the sea for one last time
With my heart subdued, the tears subside
You know my dragon i'm always there
I have grown, and so have you
And there's much more the future has in store for us
We must fight our battles seperately, but never alone
For i leave the sea behind
but the passions of the wind with songs of our memories
Leave me not for a moment
I'm there with you, just as you're here with me
And together we'l weave our dreams into the currents of our lives...
Let them fall
Its alright to be weak my heart cried
A bond so strong
Couldn't be broken by a few miles
Friendships like ours,
Never flicker away like the shadows of our past
If only, i could fight the phantoms of today with you.
As distance begins to seperate us,
My heart screams out to turn around.
Tears falling into the wind,
I feel the passion of the sea for one last time
With my heart subdued, the tears subside
You know my dragon i'm always there
I have grown, and so have you
And there's much more the future has in store for us
We must fight our battles seperately, but never alone
For i leave the sea behind
but the passions of the wind with songs of our memories
Leave me not for a moment
I'm there with you, just as you're here with me
And together we'l weave our dreams into the currents of our lives...
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
i don't like titles...
“It is not true that one writes for oneself. That would be the worst frustration…the operation of writing implies that of reading as its dialectical correlative and these two connected acts necessitate two distinct agents…
there is no art except for and by others.”
- Sartre
...Cheers to blogging!
there is no art except for and by others.”
- Sartre
...Cheers to blogging!
Monday, October 25, 2004
Cruising along...
Hey there blog world. Trust your day was less boring than mine :) the best part of my day was the ride home from college- as it usually always is. My surd pal drives like a mad man and after two years of hitching rides with him I've come to trust his driving 101%, in spite of how scared everybody else maybe of his driving. My campus this year is really far away from main Delhi, far away from anything that even vaguely smells of Delhi. The road takes us down to this beautiful stretch lined with trees and fields, and monkeys’ sun bathing in the middle of the road. It's the smell of the fresh air, the pink trees within this little plot of land that I always look for on the way. They’re absolutely ravishing. Pink trees :) - what possibly could appeal more to any girl! Or well any girl who likes trees as much as I do – because I'm sure there will be many who’ll immediately start listing out how the pink top they saw at Mango would score above any pink coloured tree or even their pointy beige coloured shoes are o so much cooler (I like calling those Arabian Night shoes :) - though one of my friends had revolted quite strongly at the concept of calling all her pointy shoes by that name- according to her there’s some name for them - I can’t quite recall it though:( )
Where was I? Right, the long winding road that promises so much more ahead as it keeps throwing little surprises right through. And there’s a part that takes us near this beautiful cliff surrounded with trees- makes me want to jump off the car and go trekking in there! But my friends don’t want to go and won’t let me go by myself either (it's a pity it's not a safe world, it's a pity we’re so close yet so damnably far from well actually so many great things in life!)
And as my pal drives along, there’s another sitting by me seemingly stuck to her phone, and another telling us of how great his Durga Pooja festivities had been. Until another crazy pal of mine caught upto us and the unbeatable spirit of my surd pal makes him floor the accelerator with all his might and both the cars (it's an empty stretch- don’t worry :D) race along until the first gal in one of the cars finally lets out a scream! To which of course the boys immediately obey! It's ridiculous how much guys can actually care about the whining of us girls! It's seriously adorable the way guys stop themselves from swearing or acting like little scamps when they’re around girls. Seriously adorable!
Yep and as my pal blasts the music, and the wind throws up all the dust on my face, it's definitely one of my favourite ways too unwind :)
Where was I? Right, the long winding road that promises so much more ahead as it keeps throwing little surprises right through. And there’s a part that takes us near this beautiful cliff surrounded with trees- makes me want to jump off the car and go trekking in there! But my friends don’t want to go and won’t let me go by myself either (it's a pity it's not a safe world, it's a pity we’re so close yet so damnably far from well actually so many great things in life!)
And as my pal drives along, there’s another sitting by me seemingly stuck to her phone, and another telling us of how great his Durga Pooja festivities had been. Until another crazy pal of mine caught upto us and the unbeatable spirit of my surd pal makes him floor the accelerator with all his might and both the cars (it's an empty stretch- don’t worry :D) race along until the first gal in one of the cars finally lets out a scream! To which of course the boys immediately obey! It's ridiculous how much guys can actually care about the whining of us girls! It's seriously adorable the way guys stop themselves from swearing or acting like little scamps when they’re around girls. Seriously adorable!
Yep and as my pal blasts the music, and the wind throws up all the dust on my face, it's definitely one of my favourite ways too unwind :)
Sunday, October 24, 2004
blog blog bloggin.. :p
Hiya there! Roger I am officially blogging! Lol – heck – I still think its funny. I wonder how long I’ll continue with this. Today is a nice quiet Sunday – perfect Sunday actually. Off late I'd been having classes on Sundays. How horrible is that huh? Its like I convince myself that it doesn’t matter which day it is – so if its Monday or Sunday it doesn’t really matter – work work work – like its all that matters. I don’t think I believe that totally but hey when you take such screwed up steps in your life like getting into colleges that well aren’t recognised by the government there’s never enough that you can possibly do. Warped I tell you. That’s what I am. I used to live in Chennai and well I was bored sick of that place so I said lets move! Yea somehow convinced all my family – my ma wasn’t too much of a Chennai lover so convincing wasn’t too tough. I wanted something totally different and new which is why I chose IIPM. Frankly it was like a breath of fresh air and well apart from the few technicalities (like I just mentioned) it’s been all I ever wanted it to be. Its quite unique in fact – in 3 years I finish my BBA as well as MBA – now if that ain’t like winning a lottery ticket! No but seriously it's amazing how someone used to kicking ass can well do it anywhere and with whosoever! Like first we’re this bunch of kid’s outta school and well we hang out at the dhaba (these roadside food joints that North India would be so incomplete without). This college is right next to this forest, where I bullied my friends to go trekking into. We spotted Neil guys (is that how u spell it??) and peacocks and pretty birdies whose names I dunno! And in the winters just sitting underneath the trees slowly sipping at coffee while u continue to passive smoke as usual… awesome :)
So I was talking about kicking ass… from the second year onwards we are all split into groups of 5-10 and joined up with classes where students have joined up IIPM for doing their MBA. Initially it's like a being hit by a lightning or something! But slowly it begins to sink in. You realize that people around you have finished their graduation, some of them a couple of years ago, some of them have worked for a couple of years… yep and here you are fighting hand and foot with this formidable bunch of guys! But like I said people used to kicking ass will do so wherever and with whosoever! I managed pretty well, and so did my friends. It's like the spirit within you that refuses to be left behind because of some statistical differences. Because in the end it is just statistics- or well so it has been for me. But the point where these statistics are going to really affect me is during placements – people aren’t ready for such unconventional methods. People will revolt at the idea that such a course can actually be a jumpstart to a kid’s career. Colleges are something sacred – the intellectuals have spent years in there and they would be repulsed towards a course that sort of jeers at their own years spent in colleges. It's a tough battle IIPM has set itself for, and for which we soldiers have signed ourselves for.
During one of my sessions with my assigned mentor Prashanto sir, he told me that someone like me shouldn’t really worry about not getting a good job. He was like if you don’t get a job with a 17+ packet come back and tell me because I really don’t think that’s possible. That’s a comforting thought. Prashanto sir is someone who kind of made me believe that I was in the right place- a Professor like that wouldn’t be in a college that wasn’t great. He’s responsible for me catching the media bug. My sister used to always tell me to go for it, but I never took it really seriously. And lots of other times people have told me to go vj and stuff, but when Prashanto sir told me very seriously that he sees me more as Barkha Dutt (an NDTV news anchor), I really got thinking. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder why I never thought about it before!
Yes but like all screwed up things in life, there’s just one little bugger in the middle of this o so fascinating idea that I so want to pursue. Turns out I took a loan for the course I'm doing right now. To repay it, I will easily have to continue in this line (Marketing) for like 2 years… fun ha! Yep so lets see which way I allow the tide to pull me….
C ya soon :)
So I was talking about kicking ass… from the second year onwards we are all split into groups of 5-10 and joined up with classes where students have joined up IIPM for doing their MBA. Initially it's like a being hit by a lightning or something! But slowly it begins to sink in. You realize that people around you have finished their graduation, some of them a couple of years ago, some of them have worked for a couple of years… yep and here you are fighting hand and foot with this formidable bunch of guys! But like I said people used to kicking ass will do so wherever and with whosoever! I managed pretty well, and so did my friends. It's like the spirit within you that refuses to be left behind because of some statistical differences. Because in the end it is just statistics- or well so it has been for me. But the point where these statistics are going to really affect me is during placements – people aren’t ready for such unconventional methods. People will revolt at the idea that such a course can actually be a jumpstart to a kid’s career. Colleges are something sacred – the intellectuals have spent years in there and they would be repulsed towards a course that sort of jeers at their own years spent in colleges. It's a tough battle IIPM has set itself for, and for which we soldiers have signed ourselves for.
During one of my sessions with my assigned mentor Prashanto sir, he told me that someone like me shouldn’t really worry about not getting a good job. He was like if you don’t get a job with a 17+ packet come back and tell me because I really don’t think that’s possible. That’s a comforting thought. Prashanto sir is someone who kind of made me believe that I was in the right place- a Professor like that wouldn’t be in a college that wasn’t great. He’s responsible for me catching the media bug. My sister used to always tell me to go for it, but I never took it really seriously. And lots of other times people have told me to go vj and stuff, but when Prashanto sir told me very seriously that he sees me more as Barkha Dutt (an NDTV news anchor), I really got thinking. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder why I never thought about it before!
Yes but like all screwed up things in life, there’s just one little bugger in the middle of this o so fascinating idea that I so want to pursue. Turns out I took a loan for the course I'm doing right now. To repay it, I will easily have to continue in this line (Marketing) for like 2 years… fun ha! Yep so lets see which way I allow the tide to pull me….
C ya soon :)
hi
umm...this sounds crazy to me. trust my pal priyanka to introduce me to something like this. so why create a blog? im going to treat it like my new digitalised diary :) so even if there's a fire my diary will be safe! i remember reading a blog once - came across it - somehow - really dont rememeber how.... i was just as confused then. yea well then thats me - confused!
so people are gonna read my raving and ranting - funny. na - i guess by now the ppl who do land up till here would have already run away :)
ok im going - i dont know if ill get used to this - but for now im all sleepy so ill go figure this tommorrow.
bbye!
so people are gonna read my raving and ranting - funny. na - i guess by now the ppl who do land up till here would have already run away :)
ok im going - i dont know if ill get used to this - but for now im all sleepy so ill go figure this tommorrow.
bbye!
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