Tears that tasted of three years of sweat, toil and unceasing perseverance. Fear gnawing at the back of my head that all has been wasted. And why? Why did I allow it all to be wasted? Because I expect things that are just not possible. Things like a large enough area not too far from home to do Tai chi. Sounds simple enough? You have no idea…People got freaked when i tried to do it in the park, its just too wierd for most people. The only area at home large enough for me to practice tai chi is the main hall of my house. A hall surrounded by rooms and very noisy people! So wake up early in the morning right? Wrong, for dad wakes up at 4 in the morning and takes up the hall and does yoga, shav asana most of the time (the position where you basically go to sleep in) and leaves it only at about 9 am. So there are like 20 more hours in the day right? Aye…wrong again- college doesn’t give me much time. You’re not supposed to do tai chi on a full stomach so on my off days, after lunch when everyone leaves the hall alone and goes to sleep, I'm left wishing that I hadn’t eaten so much!

Aye…sounds silly? Hold on this gets better. So evenings before Ekta Kapoor’s gift to the Indian society in the form of saas bahu serials (plain crapped out silly shit loved by way too many people) I have about an hour when the house is almost quiet. Except my mom loves to talk, so irrespective of my numerous pleas to her to stop talking to me, to stop expecting me to respond she just goes on….

After about a year I was way too frustrated, decided it was high time to stop banging my head against this wall. Stopped tai chi. Figured I'll do it once in a month or two so I don’t forget and that’s that. Today I realized I was being stupid I could not allow myself to forget tai chi, hadn’t practiced it since 3 months or so. College is partly to blame, what with our classes going on from 9 to 6. But then it's way too simple to make a list of excuses. So today I told myself I will do tai chi, I won’t mind the people talking to me, and will actually respond in dire situations. I had to do tai chi!

Struggled…hard. Obviously I didn’t remember it but even when I read the steps listed on the paper I drew a blank. Went on trying. Someone came at the door, no one bothered to respond to it. I opened the door, somebody wanting to wish mum happy diwali. Meanwhile I kept trying with the steps in my room. My sister sitting at the computer. I repeat in my head step back and repulse monkey 1…2…3….slant flying…no…slant flying……..noooo…slant flying???

Got it after 5 minutes. Mum came in to tell us about the people who had just come in. I leave for the hall. Start trying again…step back and repulse monkey. Mum starts shouting – it's Diwali and look at this house- it's an absolute mess!! Robin (my sister) it's all your fault, look where you’ve put these DVD’s, whyzzz this table pushed back???ahhhhhhh
It's pushed back because I'm trying to do tai chi here. And we don’t celeberate diwali so stop pretending to!!!- yup that’s me finally venting my frustration out. Three years of hardwork!!!!! Mum’s reply- everyone works hard!!

Breathing hard, tears in my eyes, I felt I would explode. Tried to calm down…continued…raise hands and step up….

The movements came much easier this time, like I had someone guiding me…or probably because I so intensely desired to get them right. Finished it in a while, bowed, pushed the table back in place….