There’s something known as ‘bursting the bubble’ and then there is me floating merrily in the bubble, all the while dissecting each moment with the cynical attitude I've developed over the years. Staring out into the world, grasping everything and simply feeling numb. Some times there are things that you’re convinced will just not be a part of your world. Hence, you build yourself to fence all possible outcomes of having this hole in the wall. And then you find a brick to fit it perfectly, and yet, there’s a part of you scrutinizing the wall from every conceivable angle, trying to find a fault with the way things have turned out. Or simply not knowing how to react to this new brick in the wall.

And there I am, watching him intently from across the table, wondering how someone could be this untouched, could smile so much, and never feign it even once. How I could have all of a sudden made someone this happy, and if at all I deserve that adoration I see in his eyes. It's knowing his faults, eccentricities and abilities as well, and being at peace with all, and wondering if I haven’t tossed a priceless friendship for the sake of finding my man in him. It's holding his hand and wondering why it took so long, or simply praying that I'll never have to let go of it.

He’s trying to teach me his art of smiling at all that life throws on your face. Smile Gulz. Smile. Peeping through my falling hair to check if it's a tear I'm hiding. A Tear, when you’re around! I just pray my jaded self stays away and doesn’t let me ever hurt you. Somehow I just cant convince myself that these last few days have been true, there’s a part nagging me telling me that everything’s wrong, scaring me that I'll regret this decision. I've been so messed up… there’s this part of me that I'd just locked up and hidden away…I've been making frail attempts at reviving that part, and hey look here’s you now, I've brought in to wrestle me out from beneath this avalanche of forgotten memories... Good luck my mate.

And I’m looking at the sky outside, wishing upon the stars to not let this be just a dream… so blow on wind, and let me dance with you as I loose hold of reality… aye n when the sun comes out in the morn, let me not wake up, not if the aroma of freshly brewed coffee wafted through my window, or the pigeons cooed on softly outside.. don’t let me stop, don’t let me fall back into the dreary existence, don’t let me float back into that horrible little hole again… so hold my hand and lets not look back at what was, what could be, might be, should be…. But cherish what we have- for however few or many pages this chapter might last…

I’m not sure what brought us to this stage. I’m not sure if my uncertainties make me hold onto you so hard. Not sure since when I’ve cared for you, or when ill turn into a stalactite once again… not sure if any of this makes sense. Never thought ill fall, fall for someone like you, someone so similar yet completely different from myself. Not sure if we’ll get the blessings of people we care about, not sure if either of us cares for that. Not sure if we’ll be laughing over today a little while later- if we do stop floating, and land on the ground with our heads caught between our legs, toppling down the moss… landing in a helpless heap dazed with our leap into the unknown….

Not sure what brought u to my house when u needed counsel so many years ago… or why all this while we sought each other when we shunned all else away… not sure how my past suddenly came n leapt at us, as we sat charting out our new course, felt good to know how insignificant the past had become…

What I do know is, I’m wishing on a star and waiting to be with you again. For once I’m floating, and I’m not alone in this flight…not as yet at least. All I do know is, it’ll never be all or nothing with us. Love you, for all its worth.

How do you write when there are currents flowing within you that completely overpower your senses? People, places, horns, beggars banging at my door, holding my best friends hand for one last time yet again… it's the feeling of being empty, yet so completely bombarded with life, with all it's smells and sounds. It's walking all the way back home without thinking of a single thing about my own life. Thoughts tinkering in my head for a while and then just leaving me, letting me just be. Disgruntled faces staring at me, waiting for their buses, staring onto the road, scanning me, judging me… rushing to fit me into a little box with a nice little label on it…

How do people make the decisions they take? Do people really care when they say they do? Can you really take the liberty of taking decisions that are completely selfish? Are we so important to ourselves that forget about thinking twice, we don’t think at all before blatantly hurting the people we love. To what heights of conceitedness are we ready to fall to, before we hold ourselves responsible for the damage we’re directly responsible for?

And so I stand in the midst of all this chaos, watching loved ones bleed as the dagger is pushed deeper and deeper in… dry eyed, weary people meet my gaze and size me up… standing on the pavement waiting for my insides to hurled out, or perhaps to simply pass out. Listening to bright-eyed girls describe their ideal match, or simply prattling on endlessly...

Spent my better years in trying to undone the pain that I never did cause myself… and yet when I see the same old phantom looming back into my life, I’m left standing watching it come and wrench out the heart of my loved ones. And so I run, for I cant watch the world destroying itself, little by little…

It's about being still, about feeling each of the beggars pleas, about listening intently to each of the songs of the little birds, about chasing after a peacock only to have it's magnificence in view for a while longer. It's about knowing just how much you are loved, walking endlessly, watching people wither away like the tress in the month of January, holding your best friend’s hand for one last time yet again… wondering why the world doesn’t stop spinning and just rest for a while.